I believe I've started on the road to recovery, I've finally got round to doing what was suggested a couple of months ago and meetings up with people. some of the people had upset/angered me and we talked about that, some of them hadn't and we usually still talked about it.
There is still a list of people i need/want to talk to but it's a start.
I wanted to wait until i knew the full list then i could pick and choose but I've come to believe that God wants me to tackle them piece by piece (maybe because if i saw the full list I'd up sticks and emigrate)
On Sunday I was able to sing in worship of God and enjoy it.
two nights ago our boy wasn't feeling good and I prayed that he'd be better and sleep (that i'd pray for this was a huge step in itself) and he did (and I gave the glory to God) [an even bigger step]
does this mean I'm cured and sorted. Well..... No.
After he'd got better and was asleep i became convinced that as 'my God' doesn't do that sort of thing for me that it must be bait and switch 'He' must be curing him to take him away from me and so was convinced for a large part of the night that the lad would die in his sleep.
sounds like there are still some mischaracterisations of God in my head that run pretty deep and i don't know how to fix them apart from just carrying on on the path in front of me step by step.
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This is kind of off the point but just to say I have the same problems with mischarectrisation of God in my head. I have never really been a church-goer but have always believed in a higher power. I prayed so hard for my IVF to work that when it did I saw it as proof of God's existence. Every SINGLE night of my pregnancy I prayed that everything would be ok and that my baby would be happy and healthy. When she wasn't, I went to the hospital chapel twice a day and prayed for her survival. She did survive. This left me with a lot of confusion. Why didn't God answer my months of prayer to deliver her safely ? But then, maybe she was saved because of the praying?? I To this day, I can no longer pray. I am too angry. Sorry for hijacking your post, its probably not even relevant but I just wanted to get it off my chest. Keep up with the good work with the blogs Jock, I like reading them ;-) ;-)
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